Play date

We had a play date Thursday with someone near and dear to our hearts. Many of you may recognize her if you visited us last summer.

I was shocked when I first saw her at how tall she has gotten. I doubt that she remembered that she had once lived with us, although I do think we seemed familiar to her. (She does have a photo album that I made for her of the time she spent with us, which she used to look at quite frequently, but not so much anymore.) She and M played quite happily together the whole time. Perhaps she felt a special connection to M since they had shared a room. I really don't know. How much can a two and a half year old remember from 10 months ago? We last saw her about six months ago, and at the time she was very unhappy about my being there. I think she was afraid that I might take her away. The same thing happened for awhile when Neo went back to his home too, so I knew not to take it personally.

It was great to see her again and for the girls to get to play. C and M have been dying to see her, but it just hasn't worked out to get together any earlier this summer. It was also good to get brought up to speed on her case, and I am pleased to learn how things are moving forward. I was stunned to hear the update on her biological parents and it brought me to tears as I realized how naive P and I had been. Our trust was totally betrayed and we're angry to think how we were lied to, right to our faces, by the man we tried so hard to help. I don't know how I could have survived that blow if this case had still been a part of our daily life. Just one more confirmation that we did the right thing for our family by pulling out.

Anyway, back to more positive things. She is progressing and is in the process of being adopted by her current family. We are thankful that they welcome contact with us and that we can see for ourselves how well she is doing.

Another call

Last week we got another call from DHS about a potential foster to adopt situation. J is a happy and healthy six month old baby boy who has been well cared for by his grandparents, who want to be grandparents and not parents at this stage in their life. The caseworker had me at "mellow".

When I asked her about J's ethnic background, she was a little taken aback. She said "He's caucasian, but does it really matter?" I briefly explained that while it isn't a deal breaker, we think it would be nice to have another non-caucasian child so that M won't stand out as being the only one physically different. She said "Well, he's 1/4 Jewish, if that counts." I don't think she was offended when I laughed at her.

We did go meet J and his grandparents. He truly was a happy and easy going baby, and the grandparents were really nice too! I don't know why I didn't feel any kind of connection with him. I really didn't feel anything at all, so I took that as my sign that J is not meant to join our family. After praying about my decision, I didn't feel any differently. P didn't feel anything either, but he's not expecting as much as I am either. He thinks that I'm expecting to feel like I've been hit by lightning. I don't think that I am, but I don't think it's too much to expect to feel strong feelings.

I already know that it's going to be different when we're talking about a child that is already here (and a greater risk that the adoption won't happen when doing foster to adopt) than when we adopted our girls as newborns. Although we were scared about both adoptions - whether everything would work out for us to bring the girls home, or where the money would come from - we felt very certain that we should pursue both opportunities, and that if the girls were meant to be ours that everything would work out. I'm sure that we would have been heartbroken had either girl not become our daughters, but it would have happened within weeks of our even becoming aware that we might be able to add to our family. Now we could have years of loving a child and then not being able to make them a permanent part of the family, not to mention taking into consideration how a failed situation could affect our girls. I just don't want to take any chances unless I feel confident that this is what we should do.

It's hard to understand why such a happy child shouldn't be part of our family. It's even harder to explain to caseworkers and especially the grandparents why we weren't going to take J. Understandably, I think the grandparents felt that it was a personal rejection - which it absolutely was not. Perhaps his case won't go the route of adoption after all, or perhaps there is a better family for him, or maybe our employment status is about to change and we just shouldn't be taking on the extra responsibility now. We may never know the "why".

On an adoption related note, I had an interesting little experience at the swimming pool last week. Most people don't give my little transracial family a second look, although I do occasionally have someone ask if M is adopted. This time a woman asked me if I was M's babysitter! I assured her that both girls were mine. She looked a little confused, but I didn't elaborate. She probably just came to the conclusion that I get around.

Tough decisions

I guess that maybe I'll start with a little background here. About a year and a half ago, someone close to us had an allegation made against them and the kids were removed from the home while DHS did an investigation. Our family & another offered to do emergency certification so that the kids wouldn't have to go to strangers. It was five weeks before the little boy we had was able to go home. Afterwards our certifier asked if they could keep our file open for future foster placements. We felt that perhaps we had found ourselves in this situation for a reason, and told her yes. We laid out a few parameters. Since our kids were so young, we didn't want to have a lot of children coming and going from our home. We were open to children younger than M, and either situations where it was anticipated that they would become free for adoption, or else we could help out by providing VERY short term (2-4 weeks in my mind) foster care.

Early last year DHS called us on a pretty much weekly basis with kids they needed to place - mostly children two and under, but some sibling groups too, and even a set of newborn twins. Many times we could make a decision right on the phone as to whether it was a situation we felt we could handle. Each call would tug at your heart strings, and you would wish that you had it in you to take care of all of these poor children who so far had had such a raw deal in life. P had a harder time than I did saying no, even though he does realize that we can't take them all. We did say yes to the short term care of a five year old girl just before Easter, but then they had a change in plans and she didn't come after all. A week or two after that is when they called us on the foster daughter we cared for for six months. Since they were only looking for a short term placement for her while they sorted some things out, and they needed a home for her in a matter of hours, I didn't really put a lot of effort into my decision. They had a need and it sounded like we could adequately fill that need, so sure. Four hours later she was in our home.

I quickly learned that there really is no such thing as short term in the foster system, and the only thing predictable about any case is that it is totally unpredictable. It gets a little frustrating, because even though the social workers we have dealt with to date have been very caring, it's still just a case for them - but for the children and the foster families, it is our LIVES! We got very involved in the process, hearings, etc. Perhaps we shouldn't have since then we felt every little bump of the roller coaster ride. For a while there it looked like we might want to be an adoptive resource, but the issue of whether she might become legally free changed on at least a weekly basis - and this went on for some time. After awhile we (particularly me) became emotionally run down. Then her dad came for his first visit (he lived out of state). From that point on, the goal for the father & for us was reunification. We did all we could to help support him and assist him with what he needed to do to get his daughter. However, the system became very adversarial towards him and the case kept dragging on. By the end of the summer, I was an emotional wreck. I could no longer live the drama on a daily basis, and I didn't think it was in our girls' best interest to continue bonding with a sister that wasn't going to stay here - so I made the heart wrenching decision to ask to have her moved to another family, and I suggested that she might do better in a family that didn't have such young children so she could have even more attention. Looking back now I can say with full confidence that everything has worked out as it should, but man was that a rough chapter in my life.

Our certification expired shortly after our foster daughter left, and we really deliberated long and hard as to whether we wanted to re-certify. I felt like my heart was still bruised and battered, but we finally decided to move ahead in that direction again and just have them keep us off of the call list to give us time to heal. Just because we're certified, doesn't mean that we HAVE to accept any children, but if we hear of a situation that feels right then we'll be in a position to accept. This time we gave them even narrower parameters. We are most interested in a minority boy under twelve months old. Our certifier is awesome, and she makes us feel like she is making it her mission to find a child that will be perfect for our family.

The reason why I'm writing about all of this now is because it appears that we have been put back on the call list. Thankfully the calls are not so frequent now. So far none have exactly matched the narrow window we set up, but that's okay. Every time we get called, it seems to be because someone at DHS that has met us has felt the child would be a good match for our family - so it seems a little less random. In every case, the child sounds delightful, and young enough to have had little ill effects from being in the system or from being in the families from which they were removed (usually pretty close to birth). This sets us up for having to make some tough decisions. Each call we get is for a potential forever member of our family, AND the social worker is hoping to have an answer that day. It's a huge decision to make, for a child we've never seen, and in such a short time. Our lives could forever be changed in the course of 24 hours (or even less). These children are not yet legally free, but that is the direction their cases are headed, and we feel we'd rather take the risk and get the child younger than to have them move around in the system and only consider them once there is no legal risk. We know it could even take a few years for everything to work out. No matter the situation, we're sure to have a bumpy ride. So it's a decision that we don't take lightly. I personally feel like I'm going to need Heavenly Father's assurance from the onset that we are supposed to bring this particular child into our home, so I can cling to that during the stormy times.

Whenever we get that call from DHS, my heart leaps into my throat and I start to feel nervous. Life is so good right now, it's hard to consider making changes that will certainly make life more challenging. But I can't help but try to envision my family with the new face that I haven't seen yet. Will I be able to handle it? I know from experience that three is a lot harder than two! Will the girls be happy with the new dynamics?

Yesterday afternoon we got another call. An adorable 18 month old African American boy that is healthy and happy, no drug effects, and he has been in the same foster family since six weeks old. Although they say that boys are harder to place, this is only the second boy they have called us on (the first being one of the newborn twins last year). From what they say, he sounds like he would be a great match, although this move of families is certain to be very hard on him. I feel so sad for him and the trauma that is unavoidable, due to no fault of his or his loving foster family that will also be hurting. He needs to be moved by today. (His biological parents knew the foster parents before placement, but now with the case plan changing from reunification to adoption - they have begun threatening the foster family.) I think I want the answer to be yes, but after praying, I feel no strong feeling or enthusiasm for pursuing this. So I guess my answer is no. It's hard to call the social worker and tell her why we can't take this wonderful boy, but she's very understanding. Most social workers we've talked to really do believe that everything works out the way it is supposed to. So for now, it's back to life as normal ... until we get the next call.

Foster daughter update

Many of our family and friends had the opportunity to meet our foster daughter of six months last year. The girls and I visited her again today, and I thought I'd give you an update. First off, she turned two last month. She is doing very well! She looks happy and healthy, is talking more, and is much calmer than when she lived with us. I think this new environment is really good for her since she doesn't have to compete for attention with two other young kids. In her new home she has one eight year old sister. The sister initially had a hard time adjusting to not being an only child, but is now really enjoying her new role. Her case hasn't seemed to have progressed in the last four and a half months, which is frustrating. However, once again it appears that adoption is back on the table and the new family is very much on board if it goes that direction. Only time will tell how things will turn out, but if she doesn't go back to her father, at least she won't be moving anywhere else.