Tough decisions

I guess that maybe I'll start with a little background here. About a year and a half ago, someone close to us had an allegation made against them and the kids were removed from the home while DHS did an investigation. Our family & another offered to do emergency certification so that the kids wouldn't have to go to strangers. It was five weeks before the little boy we had was able to go home. Afterwards our certifier asked if they could keep our file open for future foster placements. We felt that perhaps we had found ourselves in this situation for a reason, and told her yes. We laid out a few parameters. Since our kids were so young, we didn't want to have a lot of children coming and going from our home. We were open to children younger than M, and either situations where it was anticipated that they would become free for adoption, or else we could help out by providing VERY short term (2-4 weeks in my mind) foster care.

Early last year DHS called us on a pretty much weekly basis with kids they needed to place - mostly children two and under, but some sibling groups too, and even a set of newborn twins. Many times we could make a decision right on the phone as to whether it was a situation we felt we could handle. Each call would tug at your heart strings, and you would wish that you had it in you to take care of all of these poor children who so far had had such a raw deal in life. P had a harder time than I did saying no, even though he does realize that we can't take them all. We did say yes to the short term care of a five year old girl just before Easter, but then they had a change in plans and she didn't come after all. A week or two after that is when they called us on the foster daughter we cared for for six months. Since they were only looking for a short term placement for her while they sorted some things out, and they needed a home for her in a matter of hours, I didn't really put a lot of effort into my decision. They had a need and it sounded like we could adequately fill that need, so sure. Four hours later she was in our home.

I quickly learned that there really is no such thing as short term in the foster system, and the only thing predictable about any case is that it is totally unpredictable. It gets a little frustrating, because even though the social workers we have dealt with to date have been very caring, it's still just a case for them - but for the children and the foster families, it is our LIVES! We got very involved in the process, hearings, etc. Perhaps we shouldn't have since then we felt every little bump of the roller coaster ride. For a while there it looked like we might want to be an adoptive resource, but the issue of whether she might become legally free changed on at least a weekly basis - and this went on for some time. After awhile we (particularly me) became emotionally run down. Then her dad came for his first visit (he lived out of state). From that point on, the goal for the father & for us was reunification. We did all we could to help support him and assist him with what he needed to do to get his daughter. However, the system became very adversarial towards him and the case kept dragging on. By the end of the summer, I was an emotional wreck. I could no longer live the drama on a daily basis, and I didn't think it was in our girls' best interest to continue bonding with a sister that wasn't going to stay here - so I made the heart wrenching decision to ask to have her moved to another family, and I suggested that she might do better in a family that didn't have such young children so she could have even more attention. Looking back now I can say with full confidence that everything has worked out as it should, but man was that a rough chapter in my life.

Our certification expired shortly after our foster daughter left, and we really deliberated long and hard as to whether we wanted to re-certify. I felt like my heart was still bruised and battered, but we finally decided to move ahead in that direction again and just have them keep us off of the call list to give us time to heal. Just because we're certified, doesn't mean that we HAVE to accept any children, but if we hear of a situation that feels right then we'll be in a position to accept. This time we gave them even narrower parameters. We are most interested in a minority boy under twelve months old. Our certifier is awesome, and she makes us feel like she is making it her mission to find a child that will be perfect for our family.

The reason why I'm writing about all of this now is because it appears that we have been put back on the call list. Thankfully the calls are not so frequent now. So far none have exactly matched the narrow window we set up, but that's okay. Every time we get called, it seems to be because someone at DHS that has met us has felt the child would be a good match for our family - so it seems a little less random. In every case, the child sounds delightful, and young enough to have had little ill effects from being in the system or from being in the families from which they were removed (usually pretty close to birth). This sets us up for having to make some tough decisions. Each call we get is for a potential forever member of our family, AND the social worker is hoping to have an answer that day. It's a huge decision to make, for a child we've never seen, and in such a short time. Our lives could forever be changed in the course of 24 hours (or even less). These children are not yet legally free, but that is the direction their cases are headed, and we feel we'd rather take the risk and get the child younger than to have them move around in the system and only consider them once there is no legal risk. We know it could even take a few years for everything to work out. No matter the situation, we're sure to have a bumpy ride. So it's a decision that we don't take lightly. I personally feel like I'm going to need Heavenly Father's assurance from the onset that we are supposed to bring this particular child into our home, so I can cling to that during the stormy times.

Whenever we get that call from DHS, my heart leaps into my throat and I start to feel nervous. Life is so good right now, it's hard to consider making changes that will certainly make life more challenging. But I can't help but try to envision my family with the new face that I haven't seen yet. Will I be able to handle it? I know from experience that three is a lot harder than two! Will the girls be happy with the new dynamics?

Yesterday afternoon we got another call. An adorable 18 month old African American boy that is healthy and happy, no drug effects, and he has been in the same foster family since six weeks old. Although they say that boys are harder to place, this is only the second boy they have called us on (the first being one of the newborn twins last year). From what they say, he sounds like he would be a great match, although this move of families is certain to be very hard on him. I feel so sad for him and the trauma that is unavoidable, due to no fault of his or his loving foster family that will also be hurting. He needs to be moved by today. (His biological parents knew the foster parents before placement, but now with the case plan changing from reunification to adoption - they have begun threatening the foster family.) I think I want the answer to be yes, but after praying, I feel no strong feeling or enthusiasm for pursuing this. So I guess my answer is no. It's hard to call the social worker and tell her why we can't take this wonderful boy, but she's very understanding. Most social workers we've talked to really do believe that everything works out the way it is supposed to. So for now, it's back to life as normal ... until we get the next call.