Trouble in school

Well, I guess the honeymoon period is over. We went from C having good days in school, or at least days where she didn't misbehave any more than any of the other kids, to daily reports that C didn't do very well today. It all boiled down to her behavior towards other children. Most of the time it was verbal - calling names or saying mean things, although she did slap someone once.

Her teacher was particularly upset when she told a boy she'd kill him if he told on her, or something like that. It's interesting that an older child can say flippantly to their friend that "I'll kill you if you tell anybody that I like Jimmy," but there is something much more disturbing about it when a young child uses that phrase. I'm not advocating that it's appropriate to say it at any age, and we definitely don't talk like that in our home, but I wouldn't think twice hearing an older cousin say it, yet my heart skipped a beat when I heard it had come from my young daughter.

Another day the teacher was distressed because, despite the fact that she had made C apologize for repeatedly being unkind to a girl, she showed no remorse. The teacher wasn't experiencing much success in dealing with it in the classroom, so soon she would be sending her to the youth minister, Pastor Barb, to handle it. It became very clear during our impromptu parent teacher conference that C would not be able to continue attending school there if C couldn't demonstrate an improvement in her behavior. We also discussed prenatal conditions that I believe may contribute to C's impulsive and sometimes aggressive nature, of which she already had knowledge. The upside is that this teacher is a very caring, nurturing woman who really wants to see C succeed socially and academically in school, and she seems open to suggestions on how that can be accomplished.

I left the school crying, frustrated and uncertain how to address the issues. It's not like these are new problems, we struggle with them at home too. I talked to C at great length that night, hopeful that she would want to do better the next day. Unfortunately, we received a similar report again. More tears and frustration.

C is such a complex little girl, and in many ways a bundle of contradictions. She can tell you the rules, but she sometimes seems totally incapable of following them. She is a very loving child, but then she says mean things for the sheer pleasure of it. She is an extremely social creature, outgoing and making friends quickly, and yet she can turn around and be unkind to them. I know that she is well liked amongst the kids in her class. They get all excited when she comes to class, and give her hugs when she leaves. So why would she want to hurt their feelings? This is especially baffling because she knows what it is like to be hurt. We rarely let her play with the girls across the street because they can be so cruel (and not just to C).

Usually her problems surface in the afternoon, so I'm thinking that there is a correlation with sleep. C has always required a little more sleep than other children her age. It may be because she wakes up more during the night. It has only been VERY recently that she has stopped either calling for me in the middle of the night or more commonly coming and climbing into my bed. I don't know if she is now finally sleeping thru the night, but I assume her sleep disruptions are at least less intrusive. She could still use an afternoon nap, but the timing is crucial. Too late and she sleeps too long and wakes up cranky. But when we skip the nap she is also tired, often cranky, and loses the ability to self regulate.

Since C's class does their academic portion first thing, we decided to bring her home at 11am, which is when they have lunch. She was very sad to have to leave early, but she was compliant and came home, ate lunch, took a nap and had a good day both at school and at home. We told her that she had "earned" the priviledge to stay for lunch the next day, and if she kept being good she could earn the priviledge to stay thru recess. She did really well last week, even on days following a poor night of sleep. After a week of good reports, she earned the right to stay until 1pm this week.

Yesterday she left with a good report, but today her teacher told P that she made fun of one of the boys. Amazingly, P had more details for me when I asked. Apparently she told the boy that he was wearing girl clothes. He was wearing a brown shirt with pink stripes.

So this brings up my other concern. Now that C has been labeled, will she actually be held to a higher standard than the rest of her classmates? I'm pretty sure that another child making that comment would not be considered as being mean, the teacher would just explain that pink in a shirt does not make it a girl's shirt - and that would be the end of it. Perhaps an apology would be solicited. But no one would remember the event by the end of the day.

Ah, the joys of parenthood! I'm still looking for that darn manual that would help me muddle through all of this.