****SNOOZE ALERT - these are ramblings, proceed at your own risk.****
Several weeks ago I was at a going away party where I had a conversation with a woman I know from church. She confided that she feels a little like a social reject because she doesn't know how to talk to people. This is a lovely lady who is nice, intelligent, and a stay at home mom to a young daughter. I heaved a sigh of relief as I unloaded my secret that I, too, feel totally inept in the social department. I have lost my hold on the art on conversation.
I haven't always been a wallflower. Although I started out shy and insecure, I grew into a confident and outgoing teenager and young adult. I had no problem talking to my peers and even those outside of my peer group. After college, I worked for a few years as a sales manager at a large hotel where I often took clients out to lunch. While I was initially a little out of my comfort zone, I was able to step up to the plate (since I was being paid to do so) and I got to the point where I felt I could easily carry on an engaging conversation with pretty much anyone. I also put those skills to good use in some of the positions I held in church, including one where I had to frequently visit those women on the rolls of the church that never attended services.
So what has happened? It's not like I'm still a brand new mom, so sleep deprived that I can barely string three coherent words together. (Let me tell you, I felt like I'd been beat with the stupid stick back in those days!) I am no longer outgoing, although I still consider myself to be friendly. I find myself challenged to carry on a conversation that is not about kids, adoption, work or church, or anything else not immediately relevant to my now very small world. I'd rather stand around quietly than attempt to engage in small talk. Am I lazy, not wanting to make the effort? Have I become downright boring? Or is it that I'm merely out of practice and now feeling insecure in my ability to carry on an intelligent conversation with another human being with whom I do not already have a strong bond? (I'm hopeful that it is the latter.)
I'm not a gossip. I'm not judgemental. I can honestly say that I like almost everyone I meet (exceptions are rare). I'm easy to get along with, although I think I'm probably hard to get to know. I have so little free time that I don't have many opportunities to build new friendships beyond what I can do while being at work or church, and fulfilling those responsibilities. Although I associate with plenty of "new" people, I can't say that I've made any new friends in recent years. I can barely find time to maintain my long term close friendships. Luckily for me, most of my "old" friends became mothers later too, so I think we're all in the same boat right now when it comes to keeping up. I'm not lonely or unhappy. I'm too busy for that, and as long as I think people like me - I'm really okay with my current social standing. But will it always be this way? Will I start to feel like a real person with a real life as the kids get older? Or is the fact that I've allowed myself to become a bit withdrawn now indicative of what my future holds?
If you haven't fallen asleep and shorted out your keyboard with drool, is there anyone else that feels this way? Is this normal? Does one return to the land of the social living as the kids get older? How much older? School age? Teen age? Or is it all a matter of me morphing into a dweeb?
I am hopeful that this is just a normal phase of life. In fact, I had assumed this was the case. I have taken for granted that I will some day get to build friendships with the women that I meet and know that I really like, but don't truly get to know. However, the aforementioned going away party was for a woman that I knew I liked from the first time I heard her speak in church about three years ago. I always figured I'd have time to get to know her, so I was really bummed when I heard that my time had run out. I don't want to miss out on getting to know all the interesting people around me.
5 comments:
There are days that I just crave talking to someone who knew me before I was a wife and mother. Someone who knew me when I had a brain and some ambition. The old me and the new me. I feel like two different people. There are some things I really miss about old me. Just the fact that you are asking yourself these questions seems to lead to you finding a next stage. The claiming some of your old self stage.
I would love to say I knew something, but I am currently being beaten by the stupid stick and really can't say much. I really like what Knoxville said. So true. Old me and New me. Too bad they can't be the same thing. I think it will just take time. Maybe you could pick up a hobby or do something you enjoy on your own more often. Sometimes I get lost in the kids and that is when I need to do something for myself that I like that has nothing to do with kids. I think we should go out one night alone without men or children. Ok, that last sentence was a little funny...they are the same things, aren't they?
One thing that really hit me when my oldest daughter was about 5 was that she was looking at my example. I love being a mom don't get me wrong but at times that resentment in me is so strong. I worked three jobs to get through college to get a degree in an incredibly competitive field. I sat thru YW being told to develop my talents and seek learning and experiences and I resented just giving it all away and not doing the things that I loved anymore. Who has time to go rock climbing when you have two 17 months apart? When I realized what I was saying to my daughter, to work hard for the things you want and then one day turn away from them completely, it made my strive really hard to change my ways. I want her to love motherhood and share with her kids the things that she loves. I want my sons to appreciate their wives and not forget why they marry them. The interesting things about them that they are drawn to. If they want to have healthy relationships they will have to make sure that their wives have time to pursue things that bring them joy. My husband is gone all the time so any ideas my kids get about this will have to come from me. So we started hiking, playing volleyball, listening to lots of music really loud and respecting that mom is a person too. Love yourself like the rest of us love you.
Sadly, I understand your plight all too well. However, I do think I am a much more interesting person now after having kids than before. I have something in common with all the other moms and it gives me something to talk about. On another note...I think you are an amazing friend, mother, person, woman, everything! I am so grateful we are friends! even though we never get to see each other or actually talk, you are a very important person to me.
Knoxville - wow, I can tell you pondered on this for a bit! You know, I didn't realize that your two oldest were only 17 months apart! Ahhhh!
Hillbilly - that was so funny, I laughed out loud & had to read the last sentence to my co-worker. I would love to go out with you!
Kelli - I love you and miss you! I don't know if Ben has mentioned it, but P has been considering working for a dealership in your neck of the woods. It's not his dream job, so I don't know if he'd even take it if offered, but the idea of living close to you is pretty darn appealing (even though I wish you'd move HERE instead)!
So here's my thoughts on the rest of the comments. I know the new me is happier and on a more even keel than old me. I do miss feeling like there were things that I did that I really exceled at, but I lost that feeling well before kids entered the scene, and I haven't had time to pursue many personal interests for a very long time (if it wasn't kids, it was working six days a week). Now I wouldn't even know where to start, with the exception of reading. The other problem is that P works all the time, and is, shall I say, less than reliable on when he will be home. It makes it challenging to try to make plans to go out and leave the kids with him, and I don't want to have to hire a babysitter for just me to go out. Also, although P is much more social than I am, he rarely goes out - and I guess that since his job is his hobby, he doesn't really have any other personal interests he pursues. When I started blogging, he wasn't loving that I was choosing to sit at the computer over spending time with him. I can't see it being any different with anything else. It's not that he doesn't want me to do things I enjoy, but when it cuts down on what limited time we have as it is, it makes it hard.
That said, I need to call it a night. Thanks everyone for your input & suggestions. I do want to set a better example for the girls, so I need to think about this some more.
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